Leading up to her birth..

At this time last year, 6:20 am,  I was laying in a hospital maternity observation room with eyes that were filling with tears and a belly swollen to the 37 weeks 5 day mark. I was so in disbelief at what my Dr was telling me that I retreated to my second emotion when I'm THAT pregnant, which is a little surge of anger. Had I just work 8 very hard long hours for nothing? I get hyper sensitive when I'm pregnant, so just as quickly as I went to anger I then felt an overwhelming sense of peace, this feeling came as direct response from me praying to God for Him to take control. It was all I could do and the moment was completely out of my hands. I was mentally prepared for a different diagnosis that morning and was being told another. I was not in control.

Like my cliff hanger?! haha! I'm not a serious person most of the time, but I can tell you that in that moment, guuuurl, it was serious up in that room. So before I get too far, let me explain that everything was fine with baby K, I just hadn't progressed as far as we thought I had through the night. And oooohhhh my lawdy, had it been a long night.

So lets back this truck up a bit and start from the beginning. I've never shared K's birth story on here (I'll spare you the gory details) and it is something that was a miracle of life (duh!) but also a miracle on our semi wierd health system policies side too. So I'll hit the brakes (do you need a sound effect inserted here? I like em, maybe you do too. UUURRRCCCHHH!) and backing up to October 2011.

October 15, 2011. We decided to go out to Hill Country for a fun trip as a family to hang out with a very nice guy that T-rav works with and his family. Such kind people. We had a blast riding four wheelers all over their land. Mr. M's wife was so kind as to watch my 18 month old C while we enjoyed the liberty of being parents of only 1 child for a few hours. Pretty much an awesome day. But on the way there that morning and again on the way back I had been getting car sick. It's not too unusual, I tend feel "NAA-seous" as T-rav likes to say to make fun of me, if I'm not sitting in the front seat of a car. On this day I was riding shot-gun, so I just thought it was because of the "hill country". Lots of up and downs, twists and turns on those back 2-lane highways.

Folks it's raining outside right now and there is nothing I love better than writing while it's raining. Just a little detour in my mind. See why it's hard for T-rav to have a conversation with me? hahaha. I love that man.

OK, so we are driving home. I'm getting sick AGAIN. I had had ONE beer while we were there and I thought maybe it was because I hadn't eaten much for lunch. So I made T-rav stop at a Subway to get the boys and me a quick dinner. It was a win-win because I didn't want to go home after a super fun, tiring day and cook dinner. So we eat the sandwiches, start driving again and low and behold, I'm feeling sick, maybe even sicker. What the?!

Now I will tell you that the signs had been there all week but we weren't "trying" (we tried with the boys and succeed very quickly with each) as a matter of fact we were the king and queen of "Preventing". We had been married 7.5 years before the news that J was to join us. We were proud of our "preventing" abilities. So where's that verse about the pride before the fall? yea, go ahead and insert it here folks.

So as any normal girl does I start look at dates on the calendar....hmmm, had I missed something? So we made a pit stop at Walgreens for a test. T-rav was laughing the whole time while I was feeling terrified. We had only lived in Austin for 9 months, still didn't have a lot of core support (that takes time and sometimes longer when God is breaking idols down in your heart. Which is what we were working on at this very time) and we were just starting to build our house. Adding a baby to the mix was NOT what I wanted to sign up for.

We got home, I headed straight for the back of the house so I could catch my breath. I knew in my heart what that thing was going to say, but needed a few minutes to breath. So anyway, do you know that this was the 1st and last test I took that needed 3 mins to process!!?? Say what?? So I threw the thing down on the counter and walked out. I went and sat on the sofa with T-rav as he looked at me with a "well?" look. I told him my plight about the test and then sat there quietly. Yes folks, I do get VERY quiet when I'm nervous. Next time you're around me and you want me to shut up, then make me nervous. It's kriptonite for me. It's seems like forever that I sat there, but then I went back to the bathroom fully expecting to see just what I saw. Positive.

I wish so badly that I could say honestly that I felt this overwhelming excitement and joy. But no. With J if felt slight shame and guilt because I was still living with the sin of unbelief that God loved me, was a kind and compassionate God and that most of all He was a forgiving God. I deserved not one of these babies for the life I lead in my late teens and early 20's, but because He is so loving He chose me to be the mommy of these 3 little babes. I makes my eyes fill with tears thinking about it. With C I felt joy and excitement because I wanted my kids to be close (some have them closer that 2 years 6 months and 3 days, I realize this, but I WOULD NOT go through another TX summer preganant, so there ya go for the math on the boys). But with K, sadly there was only feelings of fear, insecurity and loneliness. As I said before God and I were in the very early stages of working on tearing down idols in my heart. Baby K was part of His healing plan, I've now come to see.

So, in shock and slight anger I took the test out to T-rav who was now in the kitchen and I threw it on the countertop and said "see!". Well you know that that man did? He laughed. Yes, he LAUGHED! I'm so glad he did because I needed my mood to be lightened. Love that about that man, he has joy in the areas and moments I lack.

I'll skip through this next part fairly quickly.

My history with birth was cesarean only. J came 6 days late on his own, I was not induced. But after having labored with him for 13 hours it was discovered that he was coming out post-anterior, which basically means he was trying to see where he was going and had I tried to push him out it would've/could've caused some issues with his neck and spine. I had a very surly, but modest Dr that was not a fan of C-sections so I still feel like this was a good decision made on his part. He was late and my 1st baby, which even my current OB said she would've probably done the same thing.

For C I switched OB's because I wanted to deliver closer to home and not have to drive all the way downtown in labor like I did with J at 5 am. But that Dr, who by the way was super nice, ended up doing a bait and switch with me. At the time I was uninformed about repeat c-sections and just trusted this man that had gone to medical school and delivered numerous babies. I was good at being a mom and he shouldve been good at being a Dr. Wait, that wasn't nice. Looking back "I was born for such a time as this" so the 2 c-section deal was pre-destined, because what happened with K was a true miracle. With both c-sections I lost A LOT of blood. They were talking blood transfusion after I passed out in the shower at the hospital after having C. It was horrible. And with C I ended getting an infection on the inside, so it was hard to detect by me at first because the incision was not oozing or anything. That infection wiped my energy by 1 pm each day which doesn't work well for a mom with NO FAMILY close to help her with the 2 year old energetic boy and a newborn.

So my 1st concern was how baby 3 (unknown to me if boy or girl) was going to come into this world. I was not looking forward to more blood loss and healing from major surgery with 2 very very active little boys and another tiny baby. This time were weren't really in a community that could help us and even further from family. I was terrified and scared to death. T-rav said that for the 1st time he felt no pressure. He knew we didn't plan it and therefore God would fully provide and blow our minds while doing it. I wish and wanted to feel the same, but I had to get to trust the Lord on a whole new level...with my body.

So I started looking into VBA2C. Which Dr's did them and if they would take me. Wow, I discovered a whole lot in my 2 months of researching. The short of it is I discovered that our health system is controlled heavily by insurance companies and convenience. Most hospitals say they won't do it because they don't want to get sued due to an error a nurse makes by missing obvious signs during delivery that something is wrong, and this happens mostly because the nurses have too many patients and paperwork. Another key factor is in our gotta have it now society, we are inducing women more often that necessary. So between pictocin and epidurals, a hospital nurse that works labor and delivery rarely sees a mom who comes in after going into labor on her own and delivers with out drugs. Nurses have been taught to monitory drug dosing, not labor.  PLEASE hear me when I say that I'm not ranting against the hospital system, the inducing of labor or even getting drugs. This is just the conclusions that I and many others who have gone down this path of research have discovered.

I also discovered that convenience of C-sections for Dr's because they, well, just are. Most c-section peak times are at 6-7 pm (shift change) and 11 pm (last check before going home for the night). Most Dr's are taking on too many patients, are tired, and don't want to sleep in the Dr's lounge at the hospital sitting on their hands, while waiting for the mom's body and the baby to do their thing. This little bit came straight from my current OB's mouth.

So the 1st Dr I went to was nice enough. I was told that he would "consider" a VBA2C. After meeting with him and explaining the reasons for the previous c-sections. He was quite the performer. I remember him pretending that he didn't know the statistics about a uterine rupture for a VBAC or a VBA2C. He then went to the room next door to call his friend who was some sort of specialist for babies born with trauma. He was talking loudly so that I could hear his every word. He then comes back in and tells me that while that chances are low (.002%) for a rupture of my uterine wall during labor, that if they .002% happen than there was a 25% chance that the baby would have neurological defects. His specific words were "You'll never be a mother again to those 2 boys you already have because you risked this decision. That child will never develop beyond the age of 8 mentally". I cried and he reached out to hug me and handed me a tissue. Nice touch, Doc. Then he did an ultrasound for me to see the baby and see just how far along I was. I was 7 weeks and a few days.


Of course I fell in love with this baby that I saw and his words sank deep. Bad mommy for thinking that you could/should do this any other way. I cried all the way home for even thinking or considering a VBA2C. I kept telling myself "how could you be so selfish?". That was a LIE and I hate that I fell for it. I was not a bad mommy or selfish to see if there was another way. I went back for one more appt so that we could see the baby's heartbeat. I had this uneasy feeling while during that sono. He measured the baby to be due sooner than the date he gave me the last time. I asked him if that was normal and he said that this early in the pregnancy you can change the due date so he was going to by a week and then proceeded to schedule my csection date for a week before that to be sure I wouldn't go into labor. Wow, Doc, how convenient for you. Plus you get the benefit to charge more for a c-section because it really is considered surgery right? Even T-rav was irritated by this guy. We left the appt feeling sad. I was concerned about him taking this baby 2 weeks early because of his justification of .002% of a uterine rupture. I was more concerned about the babies development and if medical intervention would be needed because he/she was too early. T-rav didn't appreciate his pompous attitude about "saving Crissy and her unborn baby from herself." It was an uneasy feeling that was definitely mutual, so I acted on it and started doing some research. I found out about hospital policies and Dr's beliefs. I started to the alternative path of the big OB business, midwives. I talked with numerous friends in Austin that had had home births, because well I live in the home birth capital of Texas. I found that midwives where not strange hippies as I had classified them to be before. In fact it was a awesome support community. We were considering a homebirth at this point but since the finish date of our house was around the same time as the babies due date we were expecting to be living 20 miles from the nearest hospital. I was not scared of a rupture, but if something did go wrong the midwives were concerned about getting to the hospital quickly. They had done several VBA2C's but always put safety as #1. I was given advice, listened to when I cried and even referred to either a birth center in Georgetown or a Dr in North Austin that would consider doing a VBA2C. These homebirth midwives weren't in it for the money, clearly.

**Side note: I discovered that with each repeat C-section your risk for having a hysterectomy increase dramatically? I was never informed of that risk by OBGYN's. While VBAC's have a .0001% and VBA2C have a .002% risk for rupture, a repeat c-section has a 40% risk for infection, 50% for hysterectomy and in some cases can even be fatal for the mom. Also numerous stories of babies being nicked with the cutting knife during the surgery have surfaced while I was researching.

So at the beginning of December I went to a meet and greet of the Dr's and midwives at this practice. For those who are still reading and curious of the Dr it was Christina Sebestyen at OB/GYN North. This practice is beyond amazing. 3 OB's and 3 midwives, all ladies that have given birth and been through the process themselves. The mental and emotional process of carrying a baby, laboring and then giving birth. What an amazing, painful, emotional gift that God gave to women only. When I was there I spoke with one of the midwives there and kinda gave her a quick description of my situation. She told me that she didn't think that ANY hospital in the Austin area would allow a VBA2C but she was not totally sure about that. I felt trapped. I started to cry. She was so kind and said "please don't waste tears on something that we're not sure of yet. Homebirth is not a horrible option, sometimes it's the best option. I'll talk with Dr Sebestyen and I'll call you to see what she says. We'll help you find the best choice for you".

I left that office thinking "she was nice but I bet I never hear from them again". I then called the birth center in Georgetown that had done several VBA2C and made an appt for after Christmas. It was a far drive for when I went into labor but I wanted to at least explore that option. Our 3rd option was to do a homebirth with an experienced midwife that had dealt with my special condition before. I had one picked out, had spoke with her and I felt VERY comfortable with her knowledge.

These decisions were not easy. I spent many many mornings in prayer, crying out to God in my anxiety about what to do. I told Him that I was completely OK with a repeat c-section if that was His will and if it was to remove this longing I had to try another way. It was the strangest feeling to keep trying. I'm strong-willed, I'll admit it, but this was a "why?" that I just kept pushing for, and couldn't understand where it was coming from. One night T-rav was listening to all my anxious thoughts again I remember him telling me something so comforting. "Crissy, it's not a sin to want to have this baby with out a c-section. It's not a sin to have a home birth, despite what everyone who is afraid of that says to discourage you. Let's pray that God would shut doors to 2 of our options and that the path would be made clear." I love that man!

So about a week after the meet and greet I get a voicemail from Dr Sebestyen's nurse saying that the Dr was talking with the board at St David's North to get approval for me to labor at the hospital. I was in shock! The midwife at her practice really did talk to her and she was going to bat for me. I didn't get my hopes up because I knew St David's policy well because all the Dr's I talked to before this would blame the hospital for their lack of being able to help me. Then the next week the birth center in Georgetown called and said they couldn't take me as a patient because they only take on so many clients a month and since I was one of the last ones to make an appt they were unable keep me on their schedule.

Ok, so God closed that door. I was totally ok with it. He was answering my prayer. I scheduled an appt for after Christmas with the homebirth midwife and just accepted that that was the most likely decision and even though I was terrified, i was going to trust God. Women had been giving birth this way for more than THOUSANDS of years. There was no reason I couldn't do it medically, as my body labored well with J, he just was in the wrong position, and was coming too fast. Too fast was a good thing.

Then 2 days before Christmas, 3 weeks of waiting, agonizing, stressing, praying, gaining peace, crying some more...... I then get another voicemail from Dr Sebestyen's nurse to call her. I called back and missed her but told her my cell # (my only number obviously) to which she texted me back "A OK to labor at hospital. Dr Sebestyen got you clearance from the board".

I. WAS. IN. SHOCK.

I called right after Christmas and made an appoitment. You would think that I would be excited but by this point in my journey I was skeptical. I was thinking that the hospital would put terms and conditions on my labor, like how long I could labor before a c-section had to be done. If I had to go into labor on my own before my due date. But I was still excited none-the-less.

I made the appt for Jan 3, 2012. At this point because of the Dr's strange changing of my due date and him scheduling my c-section that very day I had no idea how far along I really was, but more of a general idea. I figured at my appt I would be about 19 weeks. So I told T-rav about it, he was excited to see what would come of it and we both figured they would do an ultrasound to confirm how far along I was. I knew from research that of course they would be able to determine the baby's sex (by the way, T-rav came to every single one of my appts with J because well it's was our first and that's what he did. With the last 2 he only came for the "fun" appts...ultrasounds). So he put it on his calendar and we waited another 10 days. The day before the appt I reminded him about it and he looked at me with panic because he had a huge meeting he couldnt miss and he swore to me it was the day after. I didn't want to reschedule because we all know that after you've scheduled child care and a dr's appt it's a nightmare to rearrange. I begged him to let me keep the appt. He agreed to it but told me that I better not tell anyone what the sex is tell he knows first and he wanted to be surprised in a fun way. So since I have to thinking skills when I'm pregnant I googled how to tell him. Duh! I found an easy way, to get cupcakes with either pink or blue frosting. There was an HEB near by and I could pick it up on my way back home. DONE.

So on January 3, 2013 I showed up for my 1st OB appt. Each month you have your appt with a differet person so you've met everyone on staff and are not having a stranger show up to your birth. I figured I would meet with Dr Sebestyen but was surprised when I met with one of midwives on staff 1st. This practice is far and above ANYTHING I've ever experienced. Personable. kind. I was told that this was my birth, I'm the one going through it, they were just there to assist me. That was a strange theory to me but as the pregnancy went along I saw just what they meant. I asked lots of questions about delivering at the hospital, if I was considered "high risk" and what they were going to make me do. She said I was not "high risk", (this was a RELIEF to me) that I wouldn't be treated any differently than another other mama on her 3rd pregnancy. I could choose how long I wanted to labor at home, come early, no time limits at the hospital and I could even choose a repeat c-section if I wanted. They were just there to help guide me along. What a sense of relief!!!

Then came the fun part. I got to see what that sweet little baby was. Now I will tell you that I FOR SURE thought she was another dude. I even had a name picked out, Declan. I had stole it from a Pastor I used to work for. His youngest son was named that and I LOVED it. T-rav had a strong feeling she was a girl. Well the moment of truth was here. The sonogram tech saw that she was a girl from the get go, she later suggested, but was checking all the other measurements, because we obviously this was for medical safety not my curiosity. hahaha! so after discovering that I was only 17 weeks (the original due date was given to my by the 1st dr) that the baby was indeed very healthy, she then went over the part of the body that tells the tale. I was desperately looking for a little flag waving, but could not see it, and I am a good spotter of that flag by now. When I seen that there was nooooooooo flag, I started to cry. Who am I? I deserved all boys, I was made for boys, and I definitely deserved not even 1 child, let alone 3. I was very excited and insecure. How would a girl that struggled with identity, insecurity and unbelief in God's love ever be able to raise a girl to NOT struggle with those things. Oh our God is so good and in just the 18 months since I discovered IT'S A GIRL, I have overcome so much of those obstacles. Praise God! I wanted it bad enough, not for me, but for her. Children do have a way of making you want to be better than you were before and the only way that I've discovered how to do that is through finding Christ. Needing Him more than anything else in this world. He's the ONLY thing that works for this girl, whom her sins were MANY.

I set up my next few months appts becasue I had to meet all the midwives and Drs before June and my schedule was limited with the boys school only 2 days a week. Taking a preschooler and toddler to an OB appt was NOT happening. These boys are fully loaded with testosterone and they are like bouncy balls, ESPECIALLY when they are together. No thank you.

I stopped by HEB and got some cupcakes with pink frosting. I texted T-rav that the baby was fine, healthy and I was only 17 weeks. I told him not to call me all day because I would spoil the surprise. When I came home and told J that we were having a baby sister, he said "I already know that mom". To his credit he did tell me a few years ago, when C was about 5 months old that we would have another baby and it would be a girl. Read about it here, if you want.

So when T-rav got home I got a video of J handing him the box of cupcakes with pink frosting. He had a big smile and said "Oh, it's a baby sister!".

The next 3 months went by fairly quickly and I was thanking God for answering my prayers and started thinking about how I would cope with labor. I had been reading lots and lots, consulting lots of mama's I trusted that had done a VBAC and what it was like for them. I then decided that I would try all natural, that I could do it and if I had the right support at the time of the birth it would make a ton of difference. One of my very close friends here in Austin, did hypnobabies and had a duola. I was not sold on having a doula but after a lot of consideration I figured if ladies for thousands of years had a group of women helping them give birth, why wouldn't I do the same. T-rav couldn't provide that type of support and I had never labored past 8 cm, so the last part was uncharted territory for me. Might as well have a navigator with me, dedicated to helping me achieve the safest possible outcome. So I started interviewing doula's and found one that I completely cliqued with, Miss Ruth Phy. She loves the Lord, is an Austin hippie and had 2 sections herself. She knew what I was fearing and where I drew my strength from. She was AWESOME!

Up to her birth, God was putting in my heart a strength and longing for Him. I never trusted Him more before this and I was grateful to discover that the verse "come to me all who weary and I will give you rest". He is so kind and so compassionate. His plans I would rather live in complete suspense and surprise that to plan out my life and never ask for His direction again.

So next up.....her birth story. It didn't span 9 months so it wont be nearly as long. If you're reading this right now, I applaud your diligence to stay with me through this drawn out process. It was a recap of me living life through a very difficult season of hard choices. I honestly have never lived like that before, depending on Him so much for choices. there were a lot of tears shed in the process and a lot of waiting. Looking back on waiting 3 weeks seems like nothing, but if you've ever lived in that waiting room you know what it feels like. It can seem like eternity. Sometimes in was every 30 minutes that I was crying out to God to give me strength while I waited. At times I could feel His instant comfort and at other times I had to just suck it up and walk by faith, knowing that He was testing my faith.