My brain is turning into mush these last few weeks.....so this will be nothing but ramblings, just to warn you.
Have I had this baby yet? No, folks she's still a'bakin in the oven, thank goodness. I think with each baby I'm just more and more patient about the "guess date". I've moved my thinking into "guess date" rather than when she's "due" because honestly we never really got a good reading on that date in the 1st place. I'm going with the latest date we were given waaaaaaaay back in October when we found out God had chosen us to be a recipient of another little bundle of baby. It's really all about tricking your mind and things are so chaotic that the longer she hangs out in there the better. Right now I need to believe that I have more time, otherwise my anxiety kicks in and I feel like things are spinning out of control......which, by the way, I have the flight mentality when things get hard, so this would just make me shut down and not do anything.
My chaos is 1st world problems so I won't go too far into them, because I would want to roll my eyes at myself if I even started down that road of complaining about them. My biggest hang up is that I'm not a very organized person with the mundane day to day stuff. I get bored with it pretty quickly and like to be spontaneous as much as possible, but with a newborn coming very soon I'm having to stay on-task for most of my days. B-O-R-I-N-G!!! I'm also working on finishing picking stuff for our house that we'll move into sometime in August. I thought this project would be pretty easy, but I'm finding out that it's pretty detailed and VERY time consuming, which is why I have to ask God everyday to order my day so that I be productive and not drive my very orderly husband into insanity......and end up hating this blessing because of how time consuming it is.
Keeping up with groceries for these boys that eat non-stop, laundry, crowd/toy control, being mentally engaged with conversations with T-rav, feeding J's ever-increasing curiosity about science (good Lord, he's a nerd like his dad), fixing all the things "moyer the destroyer" (aka C) has disassembled and making sure that my mind is fixed on things that are worthy to think is enough to make me want to lay down and go to sleep......but only for 45 mins tops in the afternoon and NEVER more than 6 hours at night. Gotta love the insomnia at the end, or as I'm tricking my mind to see it as "sleep training" for the newcomer duty. If I was still getting good sleep at night, I'd probably be irritated that I had to back to shift work in the night, when I hadn't planned on every doing that again. Just keepin it real, folks...keepin it real. Thank God He knows me and yet still loves me.
So let me get you up to speed about things:
Lets start with what I'm thankful for, because it keeps things in perspective:
-I've been watching the boys play more and more together and am very grateful that they love each other so much. They really are very kind to each other most of the time and even though C's 2 year tendencies kick in once or twice a day, I'm beyond thankful that J doesn't retaliate to get back at him. When we 1st found out about the extra baby, I was a little overwhelmed that I would have all 3 of them home without the diversion of Kindergarten for J. Because of his late bday he won't be starting kinder till next fall. But as I watch them play, wrestle, ride bikes, and build stuff my eyes have been opened to the perfect timing of the surprise baby. When C came along I had to take care of a newborn and entertain a 2 year old.....it was overwhelming some days. But this time, I can see how the older 2 can entertain each other most of the time. Now don't think I'm just looking at this through rose-colored glasses, I'm fully aware of how labor-intensive this will be, but it does alleviate a little of the pressure I feel about the storm looming ahead of me. :-)
-J is super excited about another baby and has been explaining to C a few times that he'll be a big brother. C has become a little more interested in babies when we see them, but not sure how he'll feel about one that is constantly attached to mommy. C has recently become a huge fan of daddy so I'm hoping that will play in my favor during the transition we'll be going through, although he is still a mama's-boy through and through.
-We have more help being offered to us than I could have ever dreamed. That was one of my hugest anxiety issues when we 1st found out about the baby. If you've ever moved to a new place with little kids not knowing anyone, then you can indentify with me on this......it can be pretty scary and very overwhelming if you're relying on your circumstances that you can see in front of you (I've learned what it really means to walk by faith not by sight, and for me it was a very hard thing to learn-heck I'm STILL trying). To Him who is able to do IMMEASURABLY more than we could ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within (Eph 3:20).....I LOVE this verse because I have seen it played out so much in our life since moving here, especially now. So very thankful.
So thats my "thanks list" and here are my "the fake God is burning out of me" list:
-T-rav was SUPER busy at work for the longest time.....it seemed like eternity at times. It was hard to remain sweet and kind to the long hours he was working, and there moments last summer when I thought I would lose my mind in the loneliness that my selfishness was buying into. I struggled terribly with being rude when he got home late, thinking that if I was "understanding" it would just show that I condoned all the extra hours. If this has never been a struggle for you, then Praise God that He has given you discerment and insight in this area......it was so hard for me to see past my pity party to see how to handle it with a quiet and gentle spirit. BUT, as I continue to learn, you have not because you haven't asked for it. Thankfully I've got a friend who is so wise and I love how she treats her husband who is super busy at work a lot (way more than mine even, but yet she still presses on with love and understanding) so I shared with her my annoyances with it, cried about it a little then asked her how she deals with it. She was so sincere in 1st identitfying with me and sharing empathy about the situation, because she knew exactly how it felt. **note to self: MUST REMEMBER EMPATHY GOES A LONG WAY** Then she gave me the best advice I've had in years and honestly I probably may have heard it before, but when it comes from someone who is living in EXACTLY the same circumstances as you, it's sometimes more easy to process. The advice? To be the exact opposite of what I was doing. To show understanding, to make the time that I do have with him completely fun and relaxed. TO STOP COMPLAINING (what a novel idea, duh!). What had I been doing? I was pouting, being cold at times, acting irritated whenever he got his laptop out, complaining about how hard things were for me, telling him "you have no idea what it's like to live in this isolation" (wow! my mouth goes into overtime when I'm focused on ME!!). As a reaction to my selfishness I discovered I was forcing him to withdraw and that he was quiet a lot. I would have to pump him for info about what it was he was working on, how long this was going to go on, nagging him about how "I" needed time away.....folks I was a selfish mess! I was thinking that the more I pushed then he would realize how "I" needed him more and that he would come to his senses, and magically make his work load disappear. NOPE, it didn't work....go figured! Who likes to be bullied? I know I don't!
So I tried her advice, which was completely foreign to me and I have to admit that when the phone rang at 4:45 pm for the notorious call of "I'm finishing up so don't wait on me for dinner" I would pray before I answered it.... "Lord, put your hand over my mouth. Help me fake it if I have to." God knew my heart and probably apprecaited the honesty more than anything I've ever done for Him. So when the call came in the first few times, I think it shocked both of us how I responded, BUT it only took a few times for me to practice that way for it to become 2nd nature for me to be truly understanding. Then I noticed not only was my heart softening but T-rav began to share more with me about where he was on this project (he was writing a drilling program from scratch and they had a deadline he had to meet. Basically he was writing a huge book in a month). He would come home not with the usual dread on his face but with a smile, truly glad to be there and was thanking me more and more for little things and especially for being so understanding and not putting more pressure on him. It was amazing! Looking back I laugh at it because even though as I re-read this I realize how dumb it was to act like a brat, but when you're caught up in pity and hurt, sometimes satan can use those distractions to take you for a bitter ride. At times I STILL have to catch myself when he's had to work a little extra. It's a battle for sure.
I share this story because I love people who are transparent and I feel like sharing in our struggles is the best way to teach others how to avoid the same pitfalls. If you've ever been a stay-at-home mom with littles, I'm sure you can relate to the times of feeling isolated and lonely. There are some days that seem to last forever and being intentional in teaching and training toddlers/pre-schoolers can be very exhausting mentally. Breaks are welcomed joyfully. I'm very blessed to have a husband that is crazy about his family. When he walks in the door, the boys go bananas with excitment because he's a fun daddy. He's always wrestling with them, playing daddy dear hunter, sword fights....he's their buddy. Don't think for a second tho that he's not a discipliner, my very wise T-rav knows how to gracefully correct them with love and gentleness. He is such a great example of how God corrects us with grace, love and gentleness. So anyway I live for 5:30 a little too much and have to realize that T-rav is not my saviour! He is by far the best earthly gift God gave me, but I have to rely on prayer and reading the Bible to mentally train my mind for the days at home, not put the extra pressure on T-rav that if he isn't home every night at a decent hour my life will unravel. What kind of helper does that make me? Every work environment is a battle zone of some kind and being a stay-at-home mom is no different. Renewing my mind has suited me for the battle in my mind.
Updates on the kids:
J is a super science investigator. He loves some science books that we got him and is over the top excited about an upcoming camp he's going to next week at the Nature and Science Center here. He's still quite the strong-willed child, but I notice the 1st born cautionary trait developing more and more. He is also a perfectionist and that can be tricky to help him work through when trying new things. He wants to be perfect at it the 1st time and learning that some things require practice (like writing the number 5). He's still a very grateful child, something that God has gifted him with and I'm so thankful for. It's very natural for him to say thank you for the most simplest things....for example C woke him up the other morning by climbing into J's bed, sitting next to him quietly and patting J gently. J was only 1/2 awake when he rolled over to see it was his best bro and almost in-coherently said "thanks, buddy for waking me up. I love ya C!" I almost melted watching this.......God truly does give you the desires of your heart.
C is 2 now! (I'll do another little bit for his bday and his 2 year-old-ness soon, very soon). He is our little sports guy and the kid has got some agility like you wouldn't believe. He got a kids basketball hoop for his bday from grandma and the child makes baskets from about 6 feet away all day long! Basketball is a natural for him, as is throwing. Wow! Let's just say that ANYONE who sees C throw, always says "wow, that kids got an arm on him." He almost broke a window at the new house trying out some throws with some cut wood scraps. Our builder, who has 5 kids, had his jaw dropped to the floor and said "wow, there's your retirement plant right there. Hello, major leagues!" He aims the ball where he wants it to go and let's er rip! He's a hugger too, and his favorite gal in the world is this girl! If T-rav holds my hand in front of him, he'll run over, tear our hands apart and stand next to me holding my hand till T-rav walks off (with a smile, of course). I'm noticing that all his affection for me kinda makes J want to get in on the action too, and so the little one is teaching the older one to stop and hug mommy more, while J is teaching C to be polite. When you try to get C to take a bath (the kid hates baths, but LOVES to swim...so strange!) as your undressing him and carrying him to the bath while flaying, he's screaming "no thank you, no thank you". Well at least he tries to go down with a polite battle. ha! ha!
Kasey Christine.....that's her name! She is guesstimated to arrive around June 20, but the OB/midwife group that's taking care of me will let me go all the way to the 4th of July!!!! (just found that out at my last appt). That July date is the 42 week mark, and while I never got to labor with C, I did for 12 hours, spontaneously on my own 6 days post 40 weeks with J. So I'm guessing right around the 20th or a little there after, you'll hear some news from us about her. I have such an amazing recollection that I'm working on to help me remember how God has brought me to such amazing faith in Him and His plans for my life through this un-planned gift. I'm just waiting till she's born so I can complete it then I'll share it, so hopefully someone else can see just how kind God can be even when are completely confused about His purpose.
Another little note is that I recently started another blog that is private and where I feel that I can write more about my kids and their struggles on. I never want them to grow up and be embarrassed about some of the things they said or did when they were little, to which I as their gatekeeper decided to share with the whole world wide web about just to give folks a laugh. It's not polite and I wouldn't have wanted that done to me as a child. Lord knows my mouthy-ness when I was little has given my mom more than enough giggly moments to recount. The reason I share this is because as I list the great things about my kids, I never want people to think my life is perfect, my kids are perfect or that we never have a bad day. Believe me, if you've spent more than 1 hour with us, you would see just how crazy we are.....especially mommy. Normal is not even a word that most would use to describe us and that's ok. I'm ok with sharing about my struggles, airing out my dirty laundry, so that others may learn from it and not have to walk it as I did, but I never want to do that with T-rav or the boys....oops, I mean the kids. wow, going to have to get used to not saying "they boys" anymore. That's strange. Anyway, I don't want to embarrass them ever in their life. So i'll stick to the happy, smiley, Pinterest picture worthy moments for them, but will share pictures as I feel that anyone can have their picture made, it's being intimate and personal that gets you to "know" someone.
OK, so with that being said, you're probably wondering...."so, where's the pics?" Well my laptop is not backing up pics correctly to our external hard drive and I haven't had an extra 4 hours to figure it out. So the pics on my camera are just sitting on there till I can figure out the hard drive thing. Technology irritates me a lot. I feel like one of those old people who won't keep up with the times. I fight it so much, but at the same time love the convenience of it too. It's a love-hate thing with me! I did down load the blogger app to my phone, which as a TON of pics on it, so maybe I'll be able to get some uploaded from that thing.
This post has taken me 5 days to write and it is now 11:45 pm on Friday night. My body lets me sleep from midnight till about 6:15 am everyday, so I'm going to hop off and get my 6 in. Praise God for Saturdays......How T-rav rocks this hugely pregnant mama's world with all his un-ending help.
gnite!
